What Does It Mean??

Yesterday whilst at office and listening to Era station on my KM900 cell, an ustaz was giving this short talk. The content made me ponder my own motive. "Some people only feels hungry and thirsty after fasting the whole day." What else did I get from my own fasting? 90% hunger and thirst.10% yawning in the middle of the day + wishful thinking on Raya shoes+bag+baju kurung.That's it. 

I felt totally ashamed. Did I just realized that I blatantly doing this for the sake of fasting? Oh my my! My mom would have cried knowing her well-schooled daughter was not really absorbing the true hikmah of fasting. Its been awhile since I really follow the true path of Islam. I missed out alot on solat. I rarely read Quran. I don't wear hijab anymore. Oh god. What have I became? Not pointing fingers to who caused me this way. Just pointing it back to myself. I know. I'm an adult.  My parent did great sending to me to religious classes and teaching me good stuffs. I chose not to follow. But again, I believe, to do something good and holy shall start from the bottom of your heart. Forcing will only make me feel not sincere, thus, hypocrite. 

I always wonder why some of my friends who went to the same school, could sustain their religious appearance. Whereas I could not? Never wish to do this. But at one point in my life, I questioned myself. Did I do it because I fully embraced the teachings or because, I just afraid not to Allah, but to my parents or to other people like friends and family would say??Afraid to be different?Maybe I should start small ain't it? One step at a time. Again.Like a small child. Shameful. But for betterment?

Pondering  a bit deeper, maybe this is the reason my life isn't so great lately. Maybe I forgot to say thank you to Allah. Maybe I did not donate more than I should. So Allah took some things away. Some things that I thought I didn't have to worry until suddenly its not there anymore.Luckily, he didn't take all away.

I don't know why I felt so melancholic this Wednesday morning. Usually I could sleep well after my sahur. But today, the eyes just wouldn't shut. So I made peace and wrote these instead. Maybe that white coffee I had is doing its caffeine thingy?!

Sorry guys for posting this ridiculously sombre mode writings. I just need to let out. I'm not really good expressing myself verbally, but I know I am damn good in writing. 

Yesterday also, I felt the pang of missing something I love to do and always will, being crafty, designing something. You know, every time I felt the office works was overwhelming, I kept going back to my fav design blogs, for five minutes breaks. It gave me 'zing'!

Its 7:20am. Gotta get ready for work! Lucky me the office isn't so far away.:)